Saturday, June 22, 2002
So probably for the first time in my blogger history I am writing about something that happened to me tonight that affected me in a really emotional way. I am actually using this blogger as a way to get out some of the feelings that I have since Paul was really of no use. (wasted...and saying the total wrong things. I politely got off the phone)
Rita and I were riding the bus to Ian's party from Queens. The bus picks us up at the subway stop and proceeds over the Triborough and into Harlem...125th Street. The bus fills up and Rita and I are bullshitting. This black guy with a gigantic laundry bag walks by Rita and I, hitting me in the leg with the laundry bag to which we both make eye contact and nod...no problems, and puts it on the seat next to Reets.
Rita and I continue to laugh and talk when suddenly...and I mean SUDDENLY, this guy starts yelling in a very loud voice"You are a FAG dude. You are flirting with her and you're a fag. FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG..." I have no idea what was coming out of his mouth at that point. Without ever once making eye contact with me, this guy yelled to everyone on the bus any and every possible derogatory comment imaginable. The entire time I sat there quietly looking at him in shock. Luckily...the other people on the bus (nationalities mixed) were looking at me in the eye and giving me the "He's crazy/I'm sorry you are dealing with this look". That helped a bit. For about 5 solid minutes, this guy took ZERO breaths and yelled to the bus that I was a fag mother fucker gay boy liar fag something whatever. It was the scariest 10 minutes of my life.
I go through every day feeling safe. In a city this size, I walk down the streets with my head held high and my self esteem booming. In the blink of an eye someone can change that entire outlook. I've been lucky. I have never had a problem here. But now...
This has shaken me up a bit. I sit here, after the night is all over and it is 4:30am, and I am scared. I am choked up and I am embarrassed. If I ever thought that I could escape my past, tonight was proof that it will always remain in my concious.
Tonight was a challenge that without Rita I would not have overcome. I wanted to be strong and I was. I am pretty impressed with how gracefully I handled it. I was in shock. And thank God it was Rita. I didn't feel embarrassed in front of her. I felt safe next to her. I felt loved and understood. I said to both Kelly and Rita tonight that I couldn't imagine dealing with that with someone other than them. Even Penelope...I couldn't do it. It is such a humbling and humiliating moment and I always worry that the other person is going to be embarrassed of me.
I went through 3 years of highschool fearing everything. Based on these experiences I couldn't even walk to refill my glass in the dining hall without fear of someone laughing, pointing, or saying something that would crush me. Up until I came out at the age of 21 did the shit stop. I lived and survived 8 years of pure torment. It started in 8th grade and didn't finish until Senior year. (the first senior year) :)
I have risen above this. I have to understand that this happens. I was too comfortable and I needed my world shaken up. We all have to be careful here. You girls especially. Shit goes wrong way too easily.
I will move past this and eventually it will be as though it never happened. But for now...I am a little wiser, a little more aware, and stronger in my faith in God than I have ever been.
It is through him that we get tested, but not destroyed.
What a night.
Rita and I were riding the bus to Ian's party from Queens. The bus picks us up at the subway stop and proceeds over the Triborough and into Harlem...125th Street. The bus fills up and Rita and I are bullshitting. This black guy with a gigantic laundry bag walks by Rita and I, hitting me in the leg with the laundry bag to which we both make eye contact and nod...no problems, and puts it on the seat next to Reets.
Rita and I continue to laugh and talk when suddenly...and I mean SUDDENLY, this guy starts yelling in a very loud voice"You are a FAG dude. You are flirting with her and you're a fag. FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG..." I have no idea what was coming out of his mouth at that point. Without ever once making eye contact with me, this guy yelled to everyone on the bus any and every possible derogatory comment imaginable. The entire time I sat there quietly looking at him in shock. Luckily...the other people on the bus (nationalities mixed) were looking at me in the eye and giving me the "He's crazy/I'm sorry you are dealing with this look". That helped a bit. For about 5 solid minutes, this guy took ZERO breaths and yelled to the bus that I was a fag mother fucker gay boy liar fag something whatever. It was the scariest 10 minutes of my life.
I go through every day feeling safe. In a city this size, I walk down the streets with my head held high and my self esteem booming. In the blink of an eye someone can change that entire outlook. I've been lucky. I have never had a problem here. But now...
This has shaken me up a bit. I sit here, after the night is all over and it is 4:30am, and I am scared. I am choked up and I am embarrassed. If I ever thought that I could escape my past, tonight was proof that it will always remain in my concious.
Tonight was a challenge that without Rita I would not have overcome. I wanted to be strong and I was. I am pretty impressed with how gracefully I handled it. I was in shock. And thank God it was Rita. I didn't feel embarrassed in front of her. I felt safe next to her. I felt loved and understood. I said to both Kelly and Rita tonight that I couldn't imagine dealing with that with someone other than them. Even Penelope...I couldn't do it. It is such a humbling and humiliating moment and I always worry that the other person is going to be embarrassed of me.
I went through 3 years of highschool fearing everything. Based on these experiences I couldn't even walk to refill my glass in the dining hall without fear of someone laughing, pointing, or saying something that would crush me. Up until I came out at the age of 21 did the shit stop. I lived and survived 8 years of pure torment. It started in 8th grade and didn't finish until Senior year. (the first senior year) :)
I have risen above this. I have to understand that this happens. I was too comfortable and I needed my world shaken up. We all have to be careful here. You girls especially. Shit goes wrong way too easily.
I will move past this and eventually it will be as though it never happened. But for now...I am a little wiser, a little more aware, and stronger in my faith in God than I have ever been.
It is through him that we get tested, but not destroyed.
What a night.
